dear international olympic committee,
it is i
your friendly neighborhood villain
dr eggman
writing to you from the confines of my super-secret
ultra-high-tech
evil lair
located just outside the city limits of seaside island.
with the 2020 olympic games coming up in tokyo
i wanted to let you in on a little tip
that i’ve been sitting on for quite some time—
that your beloved
blue anthropomorphic hedgehog
sonic
isn’t the clean-cut
good boy that he seems to be.
oh no.
in fact
a little birdy told me that
in between running around
like a maniac
in gigantic loops
it appears that he has been hanging out
in the casino night zone district
spending ungodly amount of rings
on octo-boosts
so that he can go faster and faster
in preparation for his 100m race against mario.
as a
staunch believer of rules,
i cannot in good faith allow
this exasperating erinaceidae
to go unpunished
especially when
according to your official i.o.c. handbook
the use of anabolic steroids
such as octo-boosts
is illegal
and those found using them are disqualified from competing.
i tell you this not as
an evildoer
or known archrival of sonic
but as a concerned citizen
who believes in strictly enforcing
the traditional values and ethics of the summer games.
the only punishment that i see fit
is stuffing that little guy into my egg mobile
and blasting him back to his home planet of mobius
so he can’t
bring shame to all the devoted fans
or interfere with my plans of becoming
the greatest ruler this world has ever seen
allowing me to collect the six chaos emeralds and
turn all of the helpless animals inhabiting south island into robots under my control.
haha
sorry, getting ahead of myself here.
disregard my previous statement.
i obviously have no intentions of doing any of that.
enclosed, you’ll find a picture of the furry fella scarfing down
said octo-boosts
behind a flipper near the end of the level 3.
you’ll know it’s him because of his disgustingly huge red shoes.
menacingly yours,
ivo robotnik!!!
Shawn Berman plays a mean air guitar. Some of his work has appeared in Hobart, Maudlin House, and Little Old Lady Comedy. You can follow him on Twitter @Sbb_writer. He edits @dailydrunkmag.
Image used is copyright of SEGA.
Electric Town Lit 